Navigating Dating and Attachment Styles in a Therapy-Informed Way
June 15, 2025
Let’s be real: dating in the 2020s can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube... while blindfolded... during an earthquake. You match, you vibe, you trauma-bond over your exes and then boom, ghosted. Or maybe you’re the one panicking because they texted back too fast (what is that about?).
Here’s the truth no one told us in health class: your attachment style might be driving the entire ship (or crashing it).
Welcome to therapy-informed dating, where we take emotional responsibility, sip our iced oat lattes, and work through our avoidant tendencies like grown-ups (mostly).
So, What Even Is an Attachment Style?
In simple terms, your attachment style is how you relate to others in close relationships, emotionally, mentally, and behaviourally. It forms early in life based on how you bonded (or didn’t) with your caregivers. And unless you've done some therapy or deep introspection, your attachment style might be steering your love life more than your actual preferences.
There are four main types:
Secure: You’re comfortable with intimacy and independence. You communicate well. You’re the unicorn.
Anxious: You crave closeness but fear abandonment. Your texts have subtexts. You spiral.
Avoidant: You value independence so much, closeness feels like a threat. Emotional vulnerability? Hard pass.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): You want closeness but also fear it. Basically, your inner child is in a constant push-pull.
Therapy-Informed Dating Looks Like This
1. Awareness > Blame
Instead of saying “Ugh, he’s so avoidant,” try, “I wonder what part of my attachment style is reacting here?” The goal isn’t to pathologize your date. It’s to understand your reactions and patterns.
2. Check Your Triggers
If you're anxious, a slow reply might feel like rejection. If you're avoidant, a sweet text might feel suffocating. When that nervous system kicks in, pause. Is this about them, or a familiar emotional blueprint from the past?
Therapist Tip: Regulate before you react. Breathe, journal, text your therapist instead of your situationship.
3. Talk About It (Yes, Really)
The right person will be open to these conversations. You don’t need to say, “My abandonment wound is being activated,” but you can say, “Sometimes I get in my head when I don’t hear back… just letting you know where I’m at.”
It’s terrifying. But it’s also wildly freeing.
Green Flags in a Therapy-Informed Relationship
You can disagree without fearing the relationship will end.
You feel seen, not “managed.”
They’re curious about how you feel, not defensive.
Both of you are doing some version of emotional work (therapy, journaling, reading, not just reposting quotes on Instagram).
Rewriting Your Love Story
Here’s the best part: attachment styles aren’t fixed. They’re patterns, not prisons. Through therapy, self-awareness, and relational experiences, you can shift from anxious or avoidant to more secure over time.
Your love life doesn’t have to be ruled by your past. You get to choose differently. You get to pause, notice the red flag, and walk away instead of chasing it. You get to lean into connection even when it feels scary.
Final Thoughts
Therapy-informed dating isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up with curiosity, honesty, and a willingness to unpack your emotional baggage (without dumping it on someone else’s doorstep).
You’re not “too much.” You’re not “bad at relationships.” You’re just learning how to love like a securely attached person in a world that didn’t exactly teach us how.
